2020 REFLECTION: JOAN DIDION

by Stella Brown

A few weeks into online schooling and days spent staring at my computer screen, I finally decided to pick up a book and read something that wasn’t so harmful to my eyes (in the literary sense, although much of what I was reading on my screens was not so beneficial). As I searched for a book in my house, I wanted something that would take me away from the anxiety of time and pull me away from reality for as long as possible. Though this goal may have been a bit of a reach, as my anxiety has been particularly high, my mom suggested I read Joan Didion’s praised fictional novel, Play it As it Lays. Without hesitation due particularly to the lack of other options, I decided to sit down with Didion for a bit, and I am so happy that I did. Not only was I pulled into a new reality, far from anything apparently in relation to my current life, but I was so infatuated that I ended up reading more than half of the book in one sitting. So, I think it’s fair to say my long-shot goals were actually accomplished. I would probably credit a portion of this success to the fact that Didion’s fiction was unlike any of the academic essays or research papers I had been spending hours analyzing. But I also think what was so captivating about indulging in Didion’s masterpiece was my ability to step into the main character’s role and feel like I was adapting her life, affected by all the decisions she made. For those that are unfamiliar with the protagonist in the book, Maria, is a lawless former actress on the route to madness. The story highlights her post-prime years acting and her inconsistent relationships with a few lovers and associates in her life. 

Now, I am not saying in any sense that I can relate to the actual events that Maria faced in her life and it's fair to say that we inhabit completely different lifestyles. Yet, what captivated me the most about Maria was her recklessly free decisions that took her from place to place. Opposite to Maria, I am a tight end routine type of person who follows a scheduled day (for the most part). So, as I do with almost anything nowadays, I spent some time trying to understand why I was so pulled into following Maria’s life (aside from Didion’s phenomenal literary abilities). I finally concluded that during a time when life feels extremely redundant, days repeating themselves and lack of ability to move have caused me to feel extra stuck. Luckily, my time spent with Maria’s impromptu decision making allowed me to feel something I have not felt in a long time: excitedly ready to let the world take me through an adventure. This old familiar feeling took me to a place that I miss and hope to be at again. It gave me hope that the feeling still exists not just for me, but for other eager, yet stuck independent bodies in this world. 

For now, I will continue to search for this feeling in anything that will provide fulfillment. There is something quite magical about this rush, maybe because it provides the right amount of discomfort mixed with a strange sense of security. Although now I may only be able to find it in books or movies, I appreciate that I have identified this feeling and will be able to adapt it to future endeavors.