STELLA REFLECTS

CONTENT WARNING: MENTIONS SEXUAL ASSAULT

When I played ice hockey growing up, it was normal to get physically knocked down often.

Despite being smaller amongst the rest of the players, I was still playing the same game that

everyone else was and if I wanted to keep it up, I had to expect to get knocked around a bunch.

Accordingly, as a petite player amongst overall bigger and stronger girls, I also knew that the

impact of each hit would probably be harder to take on my end. Whether being slammed into the

boards and robbed of the puck, or punched down as I charged the net, I worked hard to expect

the unexpected at all times on the ice. However, one thing remained consistent throughout it all:

when you are knocked down, you have no choice but to get back up. Unless the hit was strong

enough to fully knock the wind out of me, and sometimes even in these cases, I had to get back

up and keep moving.

Throughout my years of playing hockey, I developed an awareness between my mind and body.

Whether it was through the actual game, the training, or the recovery time, I was constantly

growing a sort of hyper-awareness of my body and the way it both reacted to different things and

moved in the world. I had quickly learned how it felt after different types of otherwise

predictable scenarios like taking a hit on the ice, engaging in a tough workout, recovering from a

tough loss on the ice, or a perceived performance failure. As I worked hard to tap into this

connection, I used it to pick up on signals of discomfort. If my body was experiencing a form of

pain or irritation at any level, I would work to quickly make it better. I would get back up and

keep moving. I would progress forward and make the impact of the hit, whether it be on the ice

or not, and make it history.

I used to assume that through my years of developing a strong mind-body connection, that I had

reached a high level of awareness and success when it came to monitoring the ways I felt. Up

until recently, I had believed that I had a nearly remarkable ability to take care of my wellbeing

in the best ways possible. To my surprise, and growing relief, this theory soon flipped onto its

head around a month ago. This is not to say that up until this moment, I was on a perfect journey.

No, in fact, the past few years have proved themselves to be nothing but a rollercoaster of

emotions. I definitely had moments of depressive attitudes and extremely high anxiety. But

nothing quite rocked me more than the impact of the night I now refer to, due to lack of better

words and preferred generalization, “the incident”.

I was just starting off my second semester of Junior year of college and after a long and bumpy

six months of emotional rollercoasters, I was finally ready to free myself of past burdens. Eager,

and maybe a little too excited, to move forward and on with my life, I allowed myself to enjoy a

night of pure careless drinking with friends. It is important to make clear that even when drunk, I

always have a sense of awareness that controls the majority of my actions and judgment. Despite

slipping out a few unprompted comments or unfortunate dance moves, at the end of the day I

have always been able to trust myself even when intoxicated.

However, to both my fortune and misfortune, this awareness played a major role in the

“incident”. As I allowed myself to enjoy the beginning of my new chapter, I continued to share

tequila shots with friends and allow the night to take me along for the ride. Accordingly, multiple

shots in and I found myself at a close friend’s apartment surrounded by a few friendly yet

unknown faces. Luckily, I am not a shy or easily intimated person, so I was able to make

drunken banter with the people around me. Each conversation was short, unmemorable, and

ultimately insignificant, except for one.

I was drawn to his charm and seemingly friendly nature. He appeared to be a people person who

could engage with anyone and I am always here for a holistic and interview-style conversation.

The combination of both of our personalities fit very well as I soon found him pulling closer with

each exchanged sentence. He offered me a drink and my intuition allowed me to take it, even

though at this point I was feeling less and less in control. As the gathering started to wind down,

we locked eyes and he suggested he was interested in me beyond this public conversation. Prior

to this moment, it had always been hard for me to find the men I surround myself with

infatuating and interesting with reciprocated affection. As reality continued to blur, I suggested

we head down to my place.

From this point forward, it is hard to recall the exact details of the night, yet there is still a part of

me that feels like I can remember it all. I remember entering my room and quickly making out

and the next thing I can recall was being forced to get undressed while staring at his naked body.

From then on the interaction was all a vivid blur. I remember resisting multiple times as he took

control of my body, using it for his own pleasure without my consent. Through a series of back

and forth resisting and pressuring, I found myself under him with a full lack of control. My body

was numb and my brain felt like it was racing down my spine. Using all my strength, I threw him

off of me and insisted it was time for him to leave. I let him out and slammed the door.

I ran to my room and lay in my bed numb. Luckily enough, my best friend/roommate was there

to comfort me along with a couple of other close friends I had called. I woke up the next morning

with a pounding hangover and a looming emptiness. I distinctly remember it taking a minute

before I could remember the events of the night before. Once it all hit me, I became numb again.

I looked at myself in the mirror and felt nothing. I was hit hard and this time it felt impossible to

get back up again.

The next few days consisted of pressured phone sessions and a long hospital visit both to make

sure that I was mentally and physically okay. Although I am beyond grateful for the people who

were there for me in the immediate aftermath, I still resented the conversations and body

examinations from professionals. Not only did my embarrassment and shame take over, but

doubt constantly loomed over me as I believed I had pulled this all out of context. As these

feelings still exist within me, I am learning both how to cope with them and realizing that none

of this was from my imagination.

As an impulsive and pretty impatient person, I expected to heal quickly from it all. I identified

the feelings in both my mind and body as just another hit or slam to the boards. However, from

the guidance of experts and friends, I have come to realize that the process of recovery from the

impact of that night is much more than just getting back up and moving forward. Although that is

a step in the right direction, there is also lengthy internal work and processing that will be

needed. As a result, the weeks following “the incident” consisted of many mixed emotions.

While I tried to keep my routine as normal as possible, partially because of the large amounts of

work I still had to do for my studies, I knew that I needed to cut myself some slack and do the

hard emotional work to process it all.

As a self-proclaimed, realistic, and very skeptical wellness fanatic, I am always looking for the

best ways to take care of myself and how I can help others do the same. While posed with a

plethora of unexpected and unwanted emotions and pain, I have been able to learn more about

my wellbeing than ever before. I have been forced to distinguish between what really serves me

and what does not and cut out the external factors causing extra pain. Although I am starting to

finally see growth, health, and a weird sense of beauty, I am still on this journey, one that will

likely not end anytime soon. But that is what has been so uncomfortably appealing to me: I am

able to accept that I will get hit and the impact will likely be painful. But, as I get back up,

whether it’s slowly or quickly, I must work to accept the feeling that I am left with and trust

myself and my growth to heal me through it all. I am capable!